Sad News
The rain fell hard on the roof as the cab crawled to a stop in front of his parents' home. He had planned this visit ever since the doctors had told him what was wrong. He knew he didn’t have the courage to tell them what would happen, but he also knew he must. He potentially only had a few hours to tell his parents before it happened. He had gone over the scenario in his head about a million times already. Mom would be silent and appear contemplative while Dad would ball until it happened. Mom was strong, she would know that crying would not change things and that silent strength would be appreciated. Dad, on the other hand, would only think of himself. Dad’s sorrow and feelings about the events that would soon transpire would be the only thing he would focus on until he missed it. Maybe they didn’t deserve to know? The doctors had told him that hundreds of people had already suffered the same fate and that there would be no cure and no postponing the end result. It would happen. The only thing that was not always a hundred percent was when it would happen. The doctors had been able to get close in their estimates, usually. Maybe waiting until only a few hours before the doctors estimated deadline was a mistake, what if they were wrong by a few hours?… Or is Mom the one who cries? “You gettin’ out?” bellowed the driver. There was no response, and turning the driver saw the slumped and lifeless form of a man.
Sad New - Story
I decided that I like to create and to write. I know that I am not very good at it, yet. I came across a competition that gave a prompt and had a word limit. I decided to try my hand. The prompt was: "A 20-something man sits in a taxi in front of his parents' house, trying to find the strength to tell them that he (fill in the blank)".
This is the first (cleaned up) version of the story that I submitted. I can not publish the submitted story just in case I WIN. I know it isn't likely, but I better keep to what I agreed to do. Once I know that I have not won I can publish it, and I will do so on the blog.
I am posting this for two reasons; for your enjoyment and because I would like as much feed back as possible. I am just starting out on this thing and need all the feedback I can get. Rip it apart and know that I will not take anything personally.
I am personally a bigger fan of the final version and was going to wait until I could publish it, but Maggie really liked this version. So, really, it is because of her that I post this. Enjoy, and please comment.
6 Comments
What happened to him chad???
Well, he died. I thought that was clear with the word "lifeless". Was it not clear enough?
wow, chad ... did not expect that ending. I like the suspense. What'd he die from anyway?
@Sandy Well, in my final version, the one that I submitted to the competition, there is a lot more detail. I will be posting that version some time in the future. I did try to make it look like there was something wrong with his brain, the fact that he was second guessing himself. But in the final it was a brain tumor.
The ending is the strongest part of the story. Ambiguity in literature, as odd as it may seem, adds a lot of death to a story. Look at the comments. "What happened to him," and "how did he die?" Responses like that are always positive. Ambiguity makes people think about your story after they are done reading it. Well done. The lack of detail in this version, as noted, is your strongest aspect of this story, and, ironically, your weakest. More detail would have planted your readers in the setting better; consequently, your readers would have a stronger connection to the story even if they cannot relate to the situation (a man telling his folks that he is going to die any minute is hard to relate to but fun to read). Adding details to the setting and, perhaps, the dying man’s thought process would ground your reader to the story. Sorry it has taken me a few (or six) months to read it. I want to see the submitted version, and Chad, nice job.
It is suppose to say "depth" not "death." Ironic though.